Reddit help! I cant decide what style to write my story in.

A couple years ago a began a steampunk novel. After getting about 60,000 words in I abandoned the manuscript because of the recent influx of popularity in young adult novels written in first person present tense with little detail. I did like the content of the story, and I have decided to revisit it, writing in the style of the books I see become popular (for example: Hunger Games, Divergent) I am conflicted because I want to write in a style that reflects myself, but I also want to write something that people are going to want to read, and I am led to believe that the second style is better for those purposes. Here are the first few paragraphs of first my original working, and then the new reworking.

Original:

The first dropped like a feather from the sky, drifting gently until its tail squirmed from sight behind the island's horizon. Two following performers faded into the darkness after it.

A single golden-brown eye, peering through the plates of a telescope, watched the light of meteors streak across the sky like paint on an open canvas. These fiery boulders charged against atmosphere like wild horses, with the hope of shattering through. The few of them who found success, flickered happily before settling in the grass. That observant eye honed in on one of these successful stones, sharp with interest.

Abelia Parker, adjusted the focus of her lens accordingly as the meteor became closer and closer in her scope.

“Abelia!” called a panicked colleague.

Reworking:

The first streaks across the night sky like a paint brush on an open canvas. Two more follow it, their tails squirming out of my sight behind the island's horizon.

My eyes trace the patterns of meteors through the lens of a telescope. I watch as they make a valiant charge against the atmosphere; their only ambition is to shatter through. Those who find success, flicker happily in the grass around my feet.

I lock on to one of the stones, rotating the lens of the scope as it draws closer.

And closer.

“Abelia!”

Also, apologies if I did not do this right, this is my first post on reddit

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